So, here’s the thing about feeling deprived of peace, it’s not peaceful. Yes. That’s it, that’s all. We expect everything to be more than just NOT it. Something more, something expressive, the truth is, it isn’t. We make it that way, magnify it, expecting it to change us in ways we have read about in books and seen in the movies.
You step into that drizzle of warm water every morning hoping to drain off that havoc in your system and every time the water hits your back, it feels better than a warm hug from those breathing around you, doesn’t it? This is the feeling of temporary comfort we crave for. Stepping out, you want to hold on to that comfort but you can’t. It’s TEMPORARY.
When I stepped out of my shower that day, I felt like listening to her. For only she could help me feel at peace, feel complete in the face of absolutely weird and pointless, if I may, emptiness. I sat down in front of her, making eye contact for the first time in a long time. ‘Talking now? Are we?’ she mocked. ‘Yes, we are for the first and the last time’, I replied with a straight face. The face I thought was relevant irrespective of the situation. She chuckled and said ‘Sure’. I could see how amused she was by the possibility of the statement I made.
‘Why are you so difficult to be with? Why can’t you just let go of me? I don’t want you to stay.’
‘You really think I want to stick around? I don’t. I have a million people to go to and to be with. The truth is you don’t let go of me, my friend. You have been holding on to me and I have stayed because you care, not the other way around.’
‘Ah okay, we, are not friends. And all I have ever wanted to do since as long as I can remember is to get rid of you somehow. You came into my life because of him. He left but you did not. You stayed to make me feel miserable.’
‘He left, but he left you with a hope. That hope is the reason why I stayed. To make you realize there is nothing to hope for! Not now. You are ruining your present thinking about the absurd possibilities of the future. There is magic in every move you make and every breath you take but it works only if you let it. You are too naive to understand that or you wouldn’t just let go? That’s worse, just saying. Either way, works for me, I will stay till you understand. It’s only pure entertainment, you see.’ She laughed an evil laugh. Not once did she flinch, not once could I disagree with whatever she just said.
‘But I still believe, it’s not the end of us, it’s not the end of him. I can’t fight that feeling’. I confessed, sounding pathetic now.
‘There is no harm in believing what you want to. It’s about setting priorities. You see, belief is absurd; you can’t make uncertainty your reality. However, you can focus on now, make peace with your present and believe that what you want is possible but even if it isn’t, it’s only for the better. Learn to stay content with your present, and you shall never be unhappy. Besides, your so-called belief is about a person. How on earth can you give priority to a soul that’s not yours? His love is not yours to take, it’s his to give and not everybody is capable of that kind of a sacrifice. Remember, humans, are the definition of momentary. Very few stay, rest make for those lessons you teach your kids in the future.’
‘Wow, somebody is getting all preachy. I didn’t know you were capable of helping somebody’. I replied to her, hating the fact that she was right.
‘You know, that’s the problem with you. You don’t appreciate me enough. You don’t see how I give your life the depth it needs. You wouldn’t be half as happy if it wasn’t for me. You wouldn’t know what peace is if I wasn’t there to teach you about it. But you don’t care, do you? You come running behind me for issues as petty as attention from people or-or… a long lost boyfriend or I don’t know… body weight! And I stay only because you want me to! You wouldn’t let me go! Maybe if you do appreciate what I do for you, understand my importance in your life; I wouldn’t be a difficult visitor. Maybe, then we will be able to keep our meetings short and easy. But you have got to try, you know. It will probably get easier with time for both of us. Your issues as compared to my other friends’ are a waste of time!’ She yelled at me, clearly offended by my last statement and definitely not amused.
‘Fine! I get it, but my issues aren’t baseless okay! They make me miserable!’ I replied making, what I thought was a strong point.
‘Oh yeah? You think so? The other place I visit very often is the slum behind your house, they have no food to eat, hardly enough space to sleep! But guess what? They don’t bother me as much as you do! You are so difficult, not that I don’t enjoy it but c’mon man! Give me a break!’
That last statement, even though devoid of any description, hit me so hard, so late. Instantly, I just wanted her to leave. Just so I could breathe.
‘Hey, thank you, I think you should leave now.’
‘No, you truly want me to leave now?’ she smiled.
I smiled back for I had no words to spill anymore.
‘I will see you soon!’
‘You wouldn’t enjoy it as much as you did this time’, I confirmed, not with a straight face, but rather with a happy and glowing one.
She laughed and left without uttering another word.
Barbara got up from in front of her mirror feeling light as a feather. ‘That was grief saying goodbye I guess.’ She turned around to look at the mirror once again and saw nothing but herself as a complete, content person after what seemed like ages.
She felt the pain and the anxiousness leaving her body. It was almost physical. She felt a tingling sensation in her heart; she knew it was peace entering her heart. It was reality sinking in. Just like that, it was over.
‘I don’t need a person, what I need is a purpose. A purpose, that will help me grow and become a better person. I guess that’s what we all need. The only thing we need. The rest are all my wants. Wants are baseless. Sure, they are’.
‘It’s the most irrelevant words, the simplest realities of life that make a world of a difference. I shall always be on a look out for one’.
Mehak Mathur | PGDM 2017- 19